Archive Page 2
Panorama
This week, I got a fantastic assignment. I was given the task of interviewing not one, but three celebrities! They were:
-Bret Michaels
-Lead singer of the rock band Poison.
-Author of Between a Rose and a Thorn
-Shia LaBeouf
-Actor in such movies as The Even Stevens Movie, Dirsturbia, and Transformers
-Favorite books: Anything by R.L. Stine
-Oprah Winfrey
-Host of the popular television talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show
-Favorite books include The Grapes of Wrath, The Bluest Eye, and Sula
I had the opportunity to follow these famous people around as they attended some of the Writers’ conference events at the University of North Dakota this past week. They attended two sessions with Peter Kuper, the opening session with Salman Rushdie, and the first panel discussion with Salman Rushdie, Peter Kuper, and Alexandra Fuller. I asked each person the same questions, so I will present the question first, followed by each of their answers.
=-=-=-=
Isaac: You all went to two of Peter Kuper’s talks, so it’s obvious that you must really like his work. Could you elaborate on what it is that you like most?
Bret Michaels: Someone told me that he once drew a naked chick. I asked him about it during his talk, but everyone just laughed for some reason. I still haven’t seen the naked chick.
Shia LaBeouf: Oh man, I love comics! They’re so cool! My favorite one is The Adventures of Super Mega Smash-A-Lot and the Revengers Crüe! There are always really cool explosions, and super cool bad guys! And sometimes there are robots too! Mr. Kuper’s stuff wasn’t very good though. I didn’t understand them at all. They weren’t even funny or awesome. But one of them was about a bug, and I was like ‘Ewe… gross… awesome…’
Oprah Winfrey: Peter Kuper is one of my favorite graphic novelists. His work is so deep and visceral that it really makes you think about who you are, and the country we live in. We’re in a world today that is constantly persecuting African Americans and women, and the people out there need to know that they can succeed too. Just look at me, I’m successful. And if you come to my next show, you might win a car!
I: Salman Rushdie is one of the most controversial writers of our time. After writing The Satanic Verses, Ayatollah Ruhollah, the supreme leader of Iran, issued a fatwa against him. Could you comment on this?
BM: This whole fatwa business is ridiculous. I’m just going to come out and say it: fat women can be just as hot as skinny ones. I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m sick of people like this Talla Holla guy portraying them as badder than others. It’s an injustice man.
SL: Hehe… fart-wa…
OW: Salman Rushdie is, and always has been, one of my favorite authors. His work is so interesting and commanding that it really makes you think about the person inside, and the country we’re a part of today. There are still people in this country that look down on African Americans and Women, and people need to know that they can be great just like me. Did I mention that all of Salman’s books are part of my Book Club collection?
I: What did you think of the selection of writers on the first panel that you attended?
BM: Dude that Alexandra chick was hot. I tried to flex my biceps a lot during the panel, and I swear she kept looking at me. Do you have her number?
SL: It got way to boring for me, so I played Gameboy. I finally beat Ultron on level 18!
OW: It was, in my opinion, the perfect panel. There was a woman on it, a black man, and Salman Rushdie. It was only fitting that they talked of revolution. In our world today, it’s good for women and African Americans to see that they can achieve their dreams. I know I did, and it was because I didn’t let the world intimidate me.
I: Peter Kuper actually isn’t black Oprah.
OW: Oh… Are you sure? (Pause) Well I really have to get going. It was nice talking to you.
=-=-=-=
I’m very glad I got the opportunity to interview these three distinguished, and very influential celebrities in such an intimate setting. I’ve only been able to share a portion of their comments here, but it was a worthwhile and fulfilling conversation.
Bret Michaels said that Alexandra Fuller was his favorite author of the week because she was “…the hottest.” He also said that he would like to get in touch with her about possibly helping him write his next book, tentatively titled Every Thorn Has Its Rose Baby.
Shia LaBeouf told me that he would like to write comics one day, and showed me some of his drawings. I must say, they had great potential. He is very good at drawing explosions, and he says his favorite thing to draw are tentacles. Big slimy tentacles. He said he approached Mr. Kuper, and asked him what his favorite super hero was. Peter said, “Kafka,” and walked away at a brisk pace.
When asked who her favorite author was, Oprah had this to say, “My favorite author would definitely be myself (chuckles). I’m writing a novel about myself. I call it a novelography. It’s a new type of book I invented.” Other than herself, Oprah said her favorite auther, Harriet Beecher Stowe, wasn’t present at the Writers’ Conference this year, and she was very disappointed that she didn’t attend. She was impressed that Salman Rushdie was well read enough to know about Stowe’s most famous work, Uncle Tom’s Cabin. She said, “I didn’t know many people knew about the book, and I’m really glad Salman did.”
Thank you to all my readers, and to Bret, Shia, and Oprah. I hope everyone enjoyed the writers conference as much as I did. Hopefully next year the authors that come will be a little less revolutionary, and be a little more hot, draw more explosions, and talk more about Oprah.
Filed under: life, movies, music, school | 6 Comments
Tags: oprah winfrey, paper, satire, school, shia labeouf
Micro-soft
Today marks the 33rd anniversary of the Microsoft corporation. I ask that we take a moment of silence to remember those lost on the field of battle…
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Tags: apple, computers, microsoft, tech
Faster on Building
Faster On Building played a sick show last night. All the instruments were really tight, and the music was composed well. I know that sounds stupid, but check them out and see what you think.
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Of music and things
Entry Soundtrack: My Oldest Memory – Bowerbirds
Those guys are my new favorite band. I suggest you check them out.
I performed in a concert last night. Here’s the set list:
- Sunshine (Go Away Today) – Jonathan Edwards
- Scenic World – Beirut
- In Our Talons – Bowerbirds
- Tip Toe Thru The Tulips – Tiny Tim
It was a fun performance. I was a little disappointed that people seemed to like the Tiny Tim song the best. I suppose it was the last song I did, and it was the funniest as well. I guess I was hoping someone would remark on the Beirut or Bowerbirds one, but whatever. I did get a really nice compliment about my voice from a friend of mine. That was nice, and it made me feel happy.
I should really start writing my own songs. I tried once, and it was too… not good. I wrote a funny song too, and that went well. I would like to write a song that was beautiful, not funny.
My sister’s band played as well. They are very good, no joke. Check them out, if you dare.
My friend got a ‘67 Mustang yesterday. She said that I get to teach her how to drive it. I’m pumped.
I will be continuing my series of “Open letters to actors/actresses I dislike”. New editions will include Nicolas Cage, Drew Barrymore, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Hanks. Stay tuned.
Aside: Tonight was my last night of student senate.
It was also, non-coincidentally, one of the happiest days of my life.
Filed under: life | 1 Comment
Tags: family, movies, music, performance
An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf
Dear Mr. LaBeouf,
I am writing you a letter in hopes of persuading you to retire from your acting career and perhaps pursue something having more benefit to yourself, and the people of this world. I have reasons that are very factual and logical, and I will now outline these for you.
1. Your name is weird
Normally I would not bring this up as a reason for someone to leave their current career, but a person of your… stature needs to have a better name. It was very difficult for me to look up your name online so that I could write you this letter. Lucky for me, Google has a spell checking feature, and lucky for you, your name is searched often enough that Google picked it up. That also means that your name is misspelt often enough for Google to realize that it needs to correct it.
On top of all this strange spelling, your name has some strange deeper meanings. Your first name is of Hebrew origin, and means “gift from God”. That’s understandable I suppose, your parents were probably very happy that you were born, no beef there. Your last name is where the beef comes in, quite literally actually. LaBeouf is a misspelling of the French term “le boeuf” which means “the ox” or “the beef”. So, therefore, your name translates literally into, “a gift of beef from God”… And on top of all this, your ancestors didn’t even have the decency to spell it correctly. I’m beginning to question your French heritage. Or maybe that proves your French heritage unquestionably.
Would it really be that hard to give yourself a more hip stage name? Look at Tom Cruise. His birth name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. He changed his name, and look how cool he is now.
2. Just because Steven Spielberg has cast you multiple times does not make you a good actor
First of all, Steven Spielberg is arguably one of the most over rated directors of our generation. Now don’t get me wrong, he has made some great movies [Duel (1971), Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), Schindler's List (1993), and Jurassic Park (1993)], but he is overrated nonetheless. I realize that this is purely of my opinion and without any factual basis, and you may completely disregard those statements if you wish, but I do not recommend it.
So let’s look at the cold hard facts. You have been cast in three Steven Spielberg films. [Distrubia (2007), Transformers (2007), and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)] Who else has Steven Spielberg recently cast in multiple films? Tom Cruise. He starred in Spielberg’s and War of the Worlds (2005). And what does Mr. Cruise have to show for all this? He turned into a little school boy on Oprah, nearly broke her wrists, and tracked mud all over her furniture. (video proof) He also learned the skill of rambling on for minutes on end without actually saying anything. (video proof) That’s proof that after working with Steven Spielberg on two movies, Thomas Cruise Mapother IV went crazy. And you’ve already done three! I’m surprise you’ve managed to stay sane this long.
So Shia, this plea is partly to protect your mental health. I am not a cruel man, and I do care about you. I don’t want you to go crazy, I just want to you to not be in movies.
3. Can you play “Not Shia”?
You may be wondering what I mean by that statement, and I would be glad to explain it to you. Your screen persona was described by Time magazine as that of the “scrappy kid next door”. Now this by itself is not a bad thing at all. Many actors have been very good scrappy next door kids, but they were acting. Being that I have never seen you in a role in which you did not play a “scrappy kid next door”, I am led to believe that you are not acting at all, and that you are in fact my next door neighbor, in a figurative sense of course. When you act Shia, are you really acting, or are you just being you? I fear that if you continue your acting career, you will be unable to shake this depressing type casting that you have fallen into. One day, we may see a 55 year old Shia playing a scrappy old man next door. I hope that day does not come.
4. You are a bad actor
I would compare your acting ability to that of Nicolas Cage. He is a horrible actor, and yet people seem to still love him for some reason. He’s not even good looking.
5. The last straw
I’m a reasonable man Shia, I really am. I was willing to overlook my prior points on the grounds that you shape up, change your name, ditch spielberg, get a good shrink, take a role that will really challenges you, and do well at it. I was willing to overlook them that is, until I saw this:
This is a photo from the soon to be released Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. At first it seemed to me like any normal image from an action movie. It actually looked rather exciting. But then I noticed the arrangement of the two actors in the picture. Shia LaBeouf is driving Harrison Ford around. Or to be more correct, Mutt Williams is driving Indiana Jones around… Just let that sink in for a minute. That’s right, Indiana Jones is riding bitch. I apologize for using such foul language Shia, but it is an inescapable truth.
I once thought that it was a physical and mathematical impossibility for a man such as Indiana Jones to allow himself the dishonor of being driven around by someone else while he is still able to do it himself. Now I know that it is indeed possible. It’s all about Karma Shia, it will come back to bite you one day.
6. Parting words
I hope that I have presented my case clearly enough for you to understand. You must realize that after taking all of these facts into account, it would be auspicious of you to relinquish your title of “actor”, and venture down a new road. I hope you understand that this letter was written with the greatest intentions. I mean only to protect your future, and the future of those subjected to your acting. Please accept this plea, and my humble apology if it offends you in any way.
Sincerely,
Isaac Halvorson
P.S. If you really must act, bring Even Stevens back. You were good there.
(This post was inspired by a comic strip I found online. The strip can be viewed here.)
All research taken from IMDb.com and Wikipedia.org. And if you don’t trust those, then I don’t trust you.
Filed under: random | 29 Comments
Tags: actors, movies, shia labeouf
Good:
I made spaghetti with salsa.
I got a CD and an LP from Brian.
Got to hear my sister’s new band play.
Bad:
Still don’t know where my life is headed.
People still tell me it’s just a phase everyone goes through.
That still doesn’t help.
Somewhere in between:
Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like tootsie rolls.
I just found out I need glasses.(Bonus good: the first thing my brother said when I told him I needed glasses, “You’re going to have to change your Mii then.”)
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Here goes…
Alrighty then. I think I’m going to try to update this with personal stuff. Not just stuff I find on the internet. My inspiration came in the form of Wil Wheaton, a former actor turned blogger and writer. Some of you may know of him as Wesley Crusher from the greatest TV show ever, Star Trek: The Next Generation.So if anyone reads this, I advise them to… well, come back. Maybe I’ll post something interesting here. Or maybe I’ll use Blogger instead. I haven’t decided yet.I’m a little disappointed I can’t use different fonts here. Maybe I’ll figure it out. Good old Helvetica needs to be seen to be appreciated.
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Tags: life
D-Day
On the verge of buying a new iPod, I’ve decided that it is time. It is time for D-Day. Delete-Day.I’m going to take the plunge. I will undertake the long, arduous process. To go through my entire iTunes library, and delete all the unneeded filth that has plagued my ears. All 11,500 songs, all 55 GB worth of bits and bytes will be surveyed, and the offenders of truth and justice will be purged. Banished to never be heard from again.This weekend marks the dawn of a new age. An age when I will listen to my music on shuffle, and not worry if I will hate it. Not worry about which song is next.If I don’t see you ever again, it means that I have perished on the battlefield. May you all know that it was for a valiant and noble cause. I wish you well, and hope to see you yet again.
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Tags: music, tech
First!
So this is my first post. I’m new to WordPress, but not new to blogging. Who knows, maybe this will turn into a regularly updated blog. Probably not…
Filed under: random | 3 Comments
