An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf

30Mar08

Crouching. Waiting. Ready to devour your children.

Dear Mr. LaBeouf,

I am writing you a letter in hopes of persuading you to retire from your acting career and perhaps pursue something having more benefit to yourself, and the people of this world. I have reasons that are very factual and logical, and I will now outline these for you.

1. Your name is weird

Normally I would not bring this up as a reason for someone to leave their current career, but a person of your… stature needs to have a better name. It was very difficult for me to look up your name online so that I could write you this letter. Lucky for me, Google has a spell checking feature, and lucky for you, your name is searched often enough that Google picked it up. That also means that your name is misspelt often enough for Google to realize that it needs to correct it.

On top of all this strange spelling, your name has some strange deeper meanings. Your first name is of Hebrew origin, and means “gift from God”. That’s understandable I suppose, your parents were probably very happy that you were born, no beef there. Your last name is where the beef comes in, quite literally actually. LaBeouf is a misspelling of the French term “le boeuf” which means “the ox” or “the beef”. So, therefore, your name translates literally into, “a gift of beef from God”… And on top of all this, your ancestors didn’t even have the decency to spell it correctly. I’m beginning to question your French heritage. Or maybe that proves your French heritage unquestionably.

Would it really be that hard to give yourself a more hip stage name? Look at Tom Cruise. His birth name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. He changed his name, and look how cool he is now.

2. Just because Steven Spielberg has cast you multiple times does not make you a good actor

First of all, Steven Spielberg is arguably one of the most over rated directors of our generation. Now don’t get me wrong, he has made some great movies [Duel (1971), Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), Schindler's List (1993), and Jurassic Park (1993)], but he is overrated nonetheless. I realize that this is purely of my opinion and without any factual basis, and you may completely disregard those statements if you wish, but I do not recommend it.

So let’s look at the cold hard facts. You have been cast in three Steven Spielberg films. [Distrubia (2007), Transformers (2007), and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)] Who else has Steven Spielberg recently cast in multiple films? Tom Cruise. He starred in Spielberg’s and War of the Worlds (2005). And what does Mr. Cruise have to show for all this? He turned into a little school boy on Oprah, nearly broke her wrists, and tracked mud all over her furniture. (video proof) He also learned the skill of rambling on for minutes on end without actually saying anything. (video proof) That’s proof that after working with Steven Spielberg on two movies, Thomas Cruise Mapother IV went crazy. And you’ve already done three! I’m surprise you’ve managed to stay sane this long.

So Shia, this plea is partly to protect your mental health. I am not a cruel man, and I do care about you. I don’t want you to go crazy, I just want to you to not be in movies.

3. Can you play “Not Shia”?

You may be wondering what I mean by that statement, and I would be glad to explain it to you. Your screen persona was described by Time magazine as that of the “scrappy kid next door”. Now this by itself is not a bad thing at all. Many actors have been very good scrappy next door kids, but they were acting. Being that I have never seen you in a role in which you did not play a “scrappy kid next door”, I am led to believe that you are not acting at all, and that you are in fact my next door neighbor, in a figurative sense of course. When you act Shia, are you really acting, or are you just being you? I fear that if you continue your acting career, you will be unable to shake this depressing type casting that you have fallen into. One day, we may see a 55 year old Shia playing a scrappy old man next door. I hope that day does not come.

4. You are a bad actor

I would compare your acting ability to that of Nicolas Cage. He is a horrible actor, and yet people seem to still love him for some reason. He’s not even good looking.

5. The last straw

I’m a reasonable man Shia, I really am. I was willing to overlook my prior points on the grounds that you shape up, change your name, ditch spielberg, get a good shrink, take a role that will really challenges you, and do well at it. I was willing to overlook them that is, until I saw this:

This is a photo from the soon to be released Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. At first it seemed to me like any normal image from an action movie. It actually looked rather exciting. But then I noticed the arrangement of the two actors in the picture. Shia LaBeouf is driving Harrison Ford around. Or to be more correct, Mutt Williams is driving Indiana Jones around… Just let that sink in for a minute. That’s right, Indiana Jones is riding bitch. I apologize for using such foul language Shia, but it is an inescapable truth.

I once thought that it was a physical and mathematical impossibility for a man such as Indiana Jones to allow himself the dishonor of being driven around by someone else while he is still able to do it himself. Now I know that it is indeed possible. It’s all about Karma Shia, it will come back to bite you one day.

6. Parting words

I hope that I have presented my case clearly enough for you to understand. You must realize that after taking all of these facts into account, it would be auspicious of you to relinquish your title of “actor”, and venture down a new road. I hope you understand that this letter was written with the greatest intentions. I mean only to protect your future, and the future of those subjected to your acting. Please accept this plea, and my humble apology if it offends you in any way.

Sincerely,

Isaac Halvorson

P.S. If you really must act, bring Even Stevens back. You were good there.

(This post was inspired by a comic strip I found online. The strip can be viewed here.)

All research taken from IMDb.com and Wikipedia.org. And if you don’t trust those, then I don’t trust you.

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Tags: actors, movies, shia labeouf